Today, I saw an old friend from school and we spent a minute catching up.When asked about my life, I readily said that i was so happy with how it is going and i didn't have complaints whatsoever.This has always been my standard answer to anyone who questions.Well, I have a confession to make. I lied. I lied when I said i am happy now.I lied about how I thought my life is as perfect as it could ever be.
I have a happy family. I have been married for more than a year now. my 6-month old daughter is keeping me busy.my mom is ever supportive and she is always there whenever i needed her. My husband is as loving as ever.We are not filthy rich but we have more than enough to sustain our needs and wants.
Really, i shouldnt be complaining about things in my life(or the lack of a few things) cause I have more than most people have.I know, I should stop whining about how my life is going coz i choose this.yeah,i should stop being such an asshole and enjoy what i have.
But i cant.
i am such a discontented bitch.
there is an emptiness in me that cant get filled no matter what i do. there's this gap that's eating up my self-esteem. i felt this emptiness that motherhood( which they say is the most fulfilling experience a woman could ever have) cant seem to fill slowly corroding my relationship with people around me.
really, i shouldnt complain.
but i feel so goddamn empty.
so useless...
so void with happiness...
for the past years, i have asked God for certain things to happen in my life...yet, these things didnt happened nor it showed signs of happening anytime soon.i have slowly lost hope...i have lost the little confidence i have in myself.
now, whenever i pray,I ask God to do His will in my life. i realized that whatever i asked God, he doesnt give it to me. I want to think that He is just waiting for the right time to give it to me.yet, i dont wanna raise my hope again only to be disappointed in the end. I have stop asking God what i want. I just hope i will be strong enough to take more disappointments in the future...
I want to be happy...
but I'm so tired of finding the elusive way to happiness...
God, I'm so tired....
I have a happy family. I have been married for more than a year now. my 6-month old daughter is keeping me busy.my mom is ever supportive and she is always there whenever i needed her. My husband is as loving as ever.We are not filthy rich but we have more than enough to sustain our needs and wants.
Really, i shouldnt be complaining about things in my life(or the lack of a few things) cause I have more than most people have.I know, I should stop whining about how my life is going coz i choose this.yeah,i should stop being such an asshole and enjoy what i have.
But i cant.
i am such a discontented bitch.
there is an emptiness in me that cant get filled no matter what i do. there's this gap that's eating up my self-esteem. i felt this emptiness that motherhood( which they say is the most fulfilling experience a woman could ever have) cant seem to fill slowly corroding my relationship with people around me.
really, i shouldnt complain.
but i feel so goddamn empty.
so useless...
so void with happiness...
for the past years, i have asked God for certain things to happen in my life...yet, these things didnt happened nor it showed signs of happening anytime soon.i have slowly lost hope...i have lost the little confidence i have in myself.
now, whenever i pray,I ask God to do His will in my life. i realized that whatever i asked God, he doesnt give it to me. I want to think that He is just waiting for the right time to give it to me.yet, i dont wanna raise my hope again only to be disappointed in the end. I have stop asking God what i want. I just hope i will be strong enough to take more disappointments in the future...
I want to be happy...
but I'm so tired of finding the elusive way to happiness...
God, I'm so tired....
No comments:
Post a Comment